Saturday, September 11, 2010

120 - End

It's taken this long for me to figure out what my final post was going to be. One would think that it would be easy as I've already done this exercise blog thing before with PCP—but it wasn't. In the end, I decided to just go with the one thing that continues to resonate with me even after all was said and done.

When Patrick contacted me about joining in the inaugural session of the KFB program, there were many dreams that floated through my head. I dreamed of how much more weight I would lose. I dreamed of how ripped my body would be. I dreamed of how my eating habits would get better. And I dreamed of all the things I would say on this blog. After all, KFB just seemed to be a continuation of PCP.

The reality was that nothing turned out as I dreamed. I lost a little weight, I gained a little weight, so in the end I pretty much evened out. My body really didn't end up very ripped at all—especially those pesky abs, but admittedly this program doesn't seem to be designed for that result. My eaten habits didn't change much. Then again I have become a pretty healthy eater, although I do love my sweets and I was cheating quite a bit on KFB. And I really had trouble blogging, even though I made many posts. Nothing seemed fresh or original, just repeats from PCP.

Needless to say, there were moments where I was quite disheartened. My dreams just weren't coming true and I was feeling every bit a failure to the program. It was depressing.

Then came my two-week vacation at Pennsic. Between my sickness, the Sangha and my encounters with the mantis, everything just clicked and I realized I hadn't failed at all—I just wasn't looking at the path that I was on.

I had already taken the path to wellness a year ago when I joined the Peak Condition Project. I lost weight, I gained body definition, and I learned how to eat healthier. The KFB program had many of the same elements to it, but for those of us who had been through PCP, it was pretty much old hat.

Now I'm not saying that it was "old hat" as though it were a bad thing—heavens no! However, it was a comfortable thing. We had been through all this before, and as Patrick said in a later email, sometimes the magic and excitement that was had the first time around wears off during the second.

Then came the moment when I had that amazing, dawning realization. I wasn't on that journey this time! I wasn't trying to recover and revitalize my body from all the damage I had caused it over the years. No. This journey was all about changing the inside.

There are many ways to try and verbally explain this concept. Unfortunately, they are only words and will fall short of any true explanation. Honestly, I don't think there is any vocabulary that could be used to truly describe it, so for now I'll just use Patrick's favorite term, "being mindful".

Having no thing to do. Having no where to be. I am in the moment—in the "now". I am where I need to be, doing what needs to be done—whether it is sitting and watching a mantis, or meditating alone or a sangha, or cooking dinner for a hungry camp, or having to throw up—I am mindful. I am at peace. And it's taken me almost a month to come up with those feeble words to express that much.

It has been one incredible year following Patrick on this amazing journey—from PCP to KFB. Who knows what'll happen next? Who cares! The goal is never the destination. The goal is in the journey that takes you there. Thanks Patrick, Team Tiger, and all the other KFBers for being a part of this journey. It has been my pleasure to share it with all of you.